For so long my identity has been tied to others…
When I was 19 I got married. Now if we are being real, that is way too young to decide something so important. My entire self was so wrapped up in my marriage. My spirituality which used to be the most important piece of me even stemmed from my partner.
When I got divorced, everything changed… and so did I.
It was like I divorced myself. I had no idea who I was when I was just me. It is something I am still trying to learn.
I went from home all the time to working 40 hours a week with a mere 14 days between the moment of leaving to the moment I moved into a new place, and began a new life. Not much time to rebound, but it seemed enough.
I found myself, then I proceeded to lose myself again. I went from having this idea in my head of exactly who I was, this stay-at-home mom, who had a family who she put before herself, so much so that my health had completely deteriorated. I was over-weight, depressed, and had no life outside of momhood. I took pride in my home and my kids. I had given up hope of any sort of dreams. I had decided to just live the small life, and I was okay with it. But life had other plans.
It turns out 14 days wasn’t really much of a respite. My feelings of loss were beginning to trickle into my life. I guess I was so numb from the change that I didn’t realize I was feeling anything. The extreme happiness I was feeling when I first left slowly began to show signs of anger.
How dare he STEAL my identity by forcing my hand.
I suppose that I wasn’t taking responsibility for my choices. You see, I left. But I didn’t realize that I wasn’t owning my choice.
Then, I met someone.
It was the worst time for him to show up, but I am glad he did. You see, he opened my eyes.
I started laughing again.
It may seem crazy, a man showing up in my life out of nowhere. At least it seemed crazy to me. I know fate, destiny, whatever you want to call it put him in my life.
Then other feelings began to surface. Fear of a possible new loss. Sorrow over the things that I lost… time with my kids, a moderately comfortable life. Mainly, the sorrow over the loss of my identity.
I have a hard time answering questions as simple as what is your favorite food… I know that is silly, and small, but I still don’t really know what it is, and I left more than two years ago.
So for me to be able to answer something as big as “What do you want to do with your life?”, is next to impossible. I actually have no idea what I am going to do with myself. I am hoping that through this journey I can begin to learn who I am, what I love, and where I want to go in life.
Funny thing is when I look in the mirror I don’t see me.
I see a woman who is a stranger. Someone who is blonde, more fit that I have been in my entire life, and recently plasticly enhanced. I no longer look like the old me. It is strange to see me.
So I suppose the urge to re-make myself has enhanced the realization that I have no idea who I am.
So here I am in a new place, living a different life, trying to figure out who I am. And whether I truly find my destiny or not, the ocean will wash away my troubles, and the sand feels nice between my toes.