Breathing

Every morning I wake up and I look at the ceiling and I wonder how I got here. From that beautiful view on the ocean back to our dreary home town. The dark is thick as I pick myself up off the living room floor. Taking on the endeavor of renovating a rundown tiny house to reduce my carbon footprint and prove to myself that I am self sufficient has been an ordeal that I am pretty close to done with. The lack of privacy alone is enough to make a girl cringe, and the lack of a bed (due to lack of space) is making my body ache in all the wrong places.
Today is the day that I start fresh. The long grueling days of working two jobs will hopefully be over soon, and the days where I get to spend time with my family are right around the corner… or at least that is what I keep telling myself. 3AM isn’t just a song anymore, it is the time that I rise to meet the day’s challenges.
Sometimes I run out the door pulling on my clothes and shoes in under 5 minutes. Other days I put on the kettle and he makes something for breakfast and we eat and talk about what our day will bring, or watch a silly show on Netflix snuggled up on the couch. These moments in the morning on days when I only have to work one job, these are my favorite.
The few sweet, precious moments while the world is still asleep and it feels like just the two of us alone against the darkness.
In these moments I often ponder what it is that draws us to our significant others, and the things that allow us to connect or cause some sort of detachment. For quite sometime these things were a mystery to me, and for the most part still are, but I have been researching quite a bit in the last year. I have watched well over 1,000 videos on relationships, and I have started reading probably 20 different books… And I know that men still confuse me.
Hey, I said started 😉 not completed.
It seems to me that the more that I am learning about our hormones the more I am understanding women and our bodies, and the waves that we ride.
I love Dr. John Gray.
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus was probably my favorite book that I invested time in last year, and I actually completed that one from cover to cover. I gobbled it up and wanted more. I am considering rereading it, just because it was that good, and I seriously recommend it to anyone who will read it.
I don’t know about you, but I know that as a woman I am an emotional being… According to him the most emotional he has ever met, which is saying something if you know my guy. If you ask me it balances out, but who am I to say. It seems to me that I can find meaning in even the tiniest of things.
A butterfly, the time, the way the wind tousles my hair… but that is just me I guess, trying to explain away the universe. So you must understand that if there is meaning in everything that every tiny detail counts… which can get me a little emotional.
I have been seeing 444 everywhere for the last few days, and I am glad.
It is supposed to represent being on the right path, and Lord knows we all need to be there. It is challenging for me to just trust and believe, because during transition I find myself staggering around struggling to find my footing, and coming home has definitely been more of a transformation, or an awakening than I ever expected out of this God forsaken place.
To truly understand that you must know that I wasn’t exactly the most popular, or the best dressed in the town that we are from… and I promised myself I would never move home.
I kept that promise for 16 years… but here I am anyway.
Over the last few years I have made several changes to my body, diet, and lifestyle. While I do still indulge in a candy bar here or there, I do not eat gluten, have dairy, and most of the time our food isn’t processed. The weight fell off, but I still felt lost, and when we moved to Florida last year, I found that to be more true than ever.
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Author: valeriechimes

I am soul searching... everyday is new.

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